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【TOP 43】Emo Philips Quotes - WhatsApp Status | Page-1

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Page 1 of 1, Showing 43 of 43 Records

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Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. - Emo Philips Quotes

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

American Comedian Funny Speech

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said,

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. - Emo Philips Quotes

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

American Comedian Funny

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. - Emo Philips Quotes

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

American Comedian Boxing Funny Quote of the Day Short

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. - Emo Philips Quotes

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

American Comedian Funny

People always ask me,

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.

American Comedian Funny

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. - Emo Philips Quotes

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

American Comedian Devil Funny

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. - Emo Philips Quotes

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

American Comedian Evil Funny

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. - Emo Philips Quotes

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. - Emo Philips Quotes

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

American Comedian Funny

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often. - Emo Philips Quotes

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

American Comedian Funny

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas... - Emo Philips Quotes

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. - Emo Philips Quotes

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

American Comedian Funny Insanity

My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'. - Emo Philips Quotes

My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.

Bed

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said,

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. - Emo Philips Quotes

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

American Comedian Funny

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' - Emo Philips Quotes

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

Adultery American Comedian Funny

I'm a great lover, I'll bet. - Emo Philips Quotes

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

American Comedian Funny

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. - Emo Philips Quotes

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

American Comedian Children Funny

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult. - Emo Philips Quotes

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center. - Emo Philips Quotes

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand. - Emo Philips Quotes

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

American Comedian Funny Quote of the Day

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. - Emo Philips Quotes

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

American Comedian Funny

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. - Emo Philips Quotes

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

American Comedian Funny

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something... - Emo Philips Quotes

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something...

Women

I ran three miles today. Finally I said,

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. - Emo Philips Quotes

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

American Comedian Funny

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only using blanks. - Emo Philips Quotes

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only using blanks.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? - Emo Philips Quotes

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

American Comedian Funny

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. - Emo Philips Quotes

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

American Comedian Funny

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. - Emo Philips Quotes

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

American Comedian Funny

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. - Emo Philips Quotes

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

American Comedian Funny Men And Women

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. - Emo Philips Quotes

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

American Comedian Funny

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. - Emo Philips Quotes

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

American Comedian Funny

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said,

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

American Comedian Funny

People come up to me and say,

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. - Emo Philips Quotes

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

American Comedian Funny

I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said,

I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. - Emo Philips Quotes

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

American Comedian Funny Luck

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. - Emo Philips Quotes

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

American Comedian Funny

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny. - Emo Philips Quotes

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. - Emo Philips Quotes

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

American Comedian Funny

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. - Emo Philips Quotes

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

American Comedian Funny

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